Adventures in Parenting

Is it always bad to feel bad?

This is the last in a series about how negative situations can in fact be good for our children. Read the first one here, second one here and the third one here.

A 5th grade boy sat across from me with his head down and tears streaming down his face.

He pulled a prank at church and it wasn’t funny. Without going into details, it resulted in some scared little kids and angry teenagers.

I was given the lovely task of talking to this boy about his behavior…and I made him cry.

No, I didn’t smack him!

I merely asked him a few questions. Here is what I asked:

-What do you think I am going to talk to you about? The kid is smart. He knew what he was in trouble for. I didn’t lecture him, and I didn’t accuse him. To his credit, he didn’t try to play dumb. Then I asked him for more details of what he did. At first he was defensive and gave some lame excuses. As I continue to ask him questions without accusing him, he slowly began to own up.

-What was the harm that you caused? The first answer from a child is always, “I don’t know.” Then I ask, “How do you think S.. felt about what you did? What happened to E.. after what you did?” He thought about it, and he knew what the answers were. He knew the troubles he caused, and he began to hang his head.

-Can you pray and ask God to forgive you? I honestly didn’t know if he understood about asking God for forgiveness, but when he bowed his head to pray, tears started to fall. I can tell he was genuinely remorseful for what he did. I allowed him some time and then prayed a simple prayer for him out loud.

-Can I give you a hug? Affirming our love immediately after is the most important part! Do not feel angry towards the child anymore. Once he fully confesses and ask for forgiveness, it’s gone.

When confronting a wrongdoing of a child, what is our goal?

1. For him to admit what he did wrong. Merely a weak “yeah, I did it” is not enough. We can probably intimidate any kid to confess like that. But I think a chance for the child to tell exactly what he did is very important. Ask questions instead of accusing the child will help him talk it out. Confession is good for the soul. It also brings a bad deed out into broad day light, so he can see how ugly is the deed that he did.

2. For him to see the harm he caused. The child has to see that he was wrong not only because I said it was wrong. He should name the people he hurt, and sometimes, that includes himself.

3. For him to apologize. He should pray to ask God for forgiveness, and go to the people he has wronged to ask for forgiveness. I know it’s a hard thing to do. But what a lesson to be learned for the rest of his life!

Crying in repentance is a very good thing.

What else have you found to be helpful in confronting a child?