Adventures in Parenting

In a conversation with my 12-year-old daughter about words that edify, I confessed to her that when I was in the 6th grade about her age, I used the “S” word once, and felt very ugly afterwards.

“What S word did you say, mom?” she asked.

“Well, you know,” I didn’t want to say the whole word, “The four-letter S word.”

“Which S word? You mean…” she whispered, “Shut up“?

Bless her!

My husband and I have never use cuss words. We teach our children that “shut-up” is a bad word, as is calling people names.

But I know our children hear those other 4-letter cuss words everyday, at school, at movies, and from other adults.

When I am substituting at school, I hear kindergarten children swearing, and it makes me want to puck!
How do we teach our children not to use those expletives?

In fact, why is it wrong? Everyone uses them all the time, even their friends.

Are they not merely words, forms of expression? If our children do not really know what they mean, is it really wrong?

Here is how I explain it my children:

1. The cuss words are unnecessary extra words that do not change the meaning of what you are saying, so why waste your breath? In the Merriam-Webster dictionary, an expletive is defined as “a syllable, word, or phrase inserted to fill a vacancy (as in a sentence or a metrical line) without adding to the sense”.

2. The dictionary also says an expletive is “an exclamatory word or phrase; especially : one that is obscene or profane.” If you utter an obscene or profane word, what does it tell others about what type of person you are? Do you think people will think highly of you? Are you giving people an impression that you want them to have?

3. Lest my children become too judgmental of others, I explain that while a person who uses bad language is not necessarily a bad person, we are responsible for what comes out of our own mouths.

4. Maybe you think it’s “cool” to cuss. Do you really think it’s cool to be vulgar and crass? Do you really think your friends will accept you and like you more if you cuss? If that is the case, is that a friendship you care to keep?

5. There are a times when a strong use of language may be needed to express a strong feeling. Using cuss words are not the best way to express yourself. Do you notice that people who use swear words have a limited vocabulary? The way to express yourself better is to learn a wider vocabulary and be more precise in what you are expressing. Using filler expletives expresses nothing.

How do we prevent our children from cussing? By using the old-fashion method of washing their mouths with soap? I would like to know if that actually works.

Here are some other suggestions:

1. While we don’t let our children swear, we often allow it into our homes through the television, music, and YouTube. Do we accept that as just part of “entertainment’? The problem is, the more we hear those words, the more those words are imprinted into our minds. Cussing becomes normalize, and then accepted as a part of our language use. After all, “everyone does it.” It becomes a habit hard to break. We don’t need to let cussing into our homes through any means.

2. Watch your own language – all the time, not just when your children can hear you. If it is a habit with you, you can guarantee that your children will pick it up. We must always live what we teach because values are always more caught than taught.
3. When you hear your children say a bad word, make sure they know your disapproval and it is not ok. But don’t stop there. Take some time out another time and have a discussion about it. “You know when you said a bad word yesterday, do you know why I disapprove of the use of those words?” Ask some questions of where they are coming and use a question format to teach them the 5 principles above.
4. Even if you have never heard your children use a bad word, you can be sure they hear it. So make the opportunity to talk to them about it. “You know those cuss words that you hear people say, why do you think we disapprove of those words in this family?” It’s always better to be proactive then reactive.
Let me know what other methods you have found useful.