What do you think of allowing your underage kids drink at home?
June 1st, 2010 / 10 Comments
So far in this series of 10 Hot Button Parenting Issues according to wptv.com, we’ve covered these topics:
#9 young children with cell phones
Now for the last Hot Button Issue #10 – “We all know its illegal, but some parents take the “they’ll do it anyway” approach to allowing their underage kids to drink at home.”
Here are 2 scenarios I read:
1. Prom party with alcohol at home. (from www.azcentral.com)
“When Gregg Anderson told his parents that he planned to celebrate his senior prom at an all-night beer blast, they were alarmed. Gregg and his pals intended to party at Scarborough Beach, a 40-minute drive from this Providence suburb. Worried that the teens would drink and drive, William and Patricia Anderson came up with a compromise – they invited Gregg and his friends to party in their backyard.
On the night of the party, Mr. Anderson stationed himself near the raspberry-colored front door of the four-bedroom house where he’d raised three sons. He read a Michael Connelly novel and collected car keys from his young guests. Then he slipped them into a bureau drawer.
Roughly 35 kids showed up. Some performed “keg stands,” variations on handstands that involve holding beer guzzlers upside-down by their feet, so they can suck beer directly from keg taps. Others downed beer from a 16-inch “yard glass,” which holds about 24 ounces….
…”We knew the chances we were taking,” says Mr. Anderson, now 50 years old. “We knew the party was probably flouting the law one way or the other. But we aren’t trying to make a statement. We aren’t trying to take a stance. We simply said, ‘We aren’t just going to let our kids go out drinking and driving, because we are the ones who will have to live with it later on – live with knowing we didn’t do what we did – if somebody got hurt.”” (Read the entire article)
2. Teen driving with alcohol from parent. (from www.Foxnews.com)
“…Consider a recent case in Westborough, Massachusetts. Police pulled over an 18-year-old whom they suspected had just injured a woman in a hit-and-run accident. They spotted a bottle of rum in his car and administered a sobriety test, which the teen failed. After they arrested him for drunk driving, the teen revealed that he had gotten the alcohol from his friend’s parents, who had hosted an underage drinking party at their home.
Those parents were charged criminally with providing alcoholic beverages to persons under 21, and police in Westborough are vowing to crack down on parents who give alcohol to minors. This story, unfortunately, is not unique. It follows a disturbing national trend of parents hosting “drinking parties” for their children and their children’s friends.” (Read the entire article.)
The legal drinking age in every state is 21. Parents who supply alcohol in their home to underage drinkers break the law. The same is true if parents knowingly allow underage drinkers to consume alcohol in the home. Parents who furnish or allow underage drinking to occur are subject to civil and criminal penalties. (from Lawyers.com)
The first article from www.azcentral.com continues with this – “Parents either think the drinking is unstoppable, so they make a curious compromise with it, or they see drinking as a rite of passage to adulthood,” says psychologist Michael Thompson, of Arlington, Mass., who has written several books on child rearing. “They don’t want to deprive their kids of the opportunity but want to keep them safe.” He says parents who allow their children to drink “are sending a dangerous message that following the law is a matter of individual taste. I can’t take issue with parents who let their own children drink at a family function,” says Dr. Thompson, “but those who allow other teens to drink in their homes are taking a huge risk.”
If we have the attitude of “they’ll drink anyway, I would rather they drink safely”, much like giving kids condoms “because they’re going to have sex anyway”, we are lowering the bar of our expectations to conform to the culture. The best way to avoid this underage drinking dilemma is to raise our children with a high standard of values of living a clean and moral lifestyle, and we ourselves also practice this lifestyle as an example.
Would I ever allow my children to drink at home when they are under 21? No! Would I have a party with alcohol for their friends when they are under 21? Are you kidding? Never!
What would I do if I was confronted by the situation above that the Anderson’s faced? I’d say to my son, “Thank you for telling me son. But I cannot allow you to break the law and put yourself and others in danger. I will have to report this to the police.” I’m sure I’ll have rotten eggs, or worst, thrown at me. Would I rather go along and be a cool parent, or teach my children that abiding by the law means something? Am I repressing or depriving my kids in some way by not letting them drink? You decide.
And if they don’t like it, by all means, go to Germany to drink.
What do you think of allowing underage kids drinking at home?
Comments
I think the problem is that parents believe teaching kids how to make good decisions about alcohol begins either when they are 21, or when the parents are no longer able to limit the kids access to alcohol. By that point, you’ve largely missed the boat.
My parents were somewhat in conflict about this. If I wanted, my dad was fine with me occasionally having a few sips of beer or wine with meals growing up when other people were drinking, even when I was quite young–toddler age. My mom disapproved of this and would gripe at my dad when he let my brother or I have alcohol. She though we shouldn’t drink before we were 21, and preferably never. I can say categorically that my dad’s approach was more useful to me. I understood that alcohol was something to be enjoyed in moderation, and never drank in high school when I wasn’t in my dad’s company and have never had much inclination to drink to excess even when it became legal to do so (despite the impression you might get from my online persona).
I think using what is legal as a framework for teaching kids to understand alcohol is misguided, and the parents in the first scenario probably were using good judgement, though they might have been a bit late in acting. My problem with the kids driving 40 miles and getting drunk at the beach isnt that it was illegal, its that its dumb. They could wait 3 or 4 years, and it would be legal, but it would still be dumb. Going somewhere and getting drunk with no safe way of getting home is a bad decision no matter what.
Use the years before kids have access to alcohol without supervision to teach them how to make safe decisions before they are confronted with the actual need to do so.
John, thanks for your comment. I agree with your last sentence, but I don’t think that teaching kids to make safe decisions need to include having them actually drink. I guess I would side with your mom. I teach my kids that not drinking at all is the safest decision. Alcohol is an addictive drug that can easily be abused. How many kids would actually learn to enjoy alcohol as you do as a connoisseur in moderation? My guess is not many.
You made a good point that 21 is not a magic age. Since prohibition is no longer in effect, having the law set at 21 does work as a deterrent for some kids from doing dumb things, at least until 21. I hope parents teach their children that respecting the law is to understand the intent of protecting ourselves and society, not merely obeying it to stay out of jail.
Research has shown over and over that a large part of kids’ attitudes toward drinking come from their parents. It really does put the burden on the parents.
Well, the best comparison we can make is probably European countries, where its not uncommon for kids to drink wine diluted with water at meals, and the legal drinking age is 18 or lower. (I think some countries allow drinking beer at 16, if not hard alcohol, but I could be mistaken.) Its a hard comparison to make, as culture, genetic and economic factors (even climate) all tend to play into rates of alcohol abuse, and there is a lot of variance from country to country. Iceland has a much higher rate of alcoholism than Portugal, even though Portugal consumes more than twice as much alcohol per person. But if there is a trend, its that a more relaxed view towards alcohol produces fewer alcoholics (e.g. France, Germany). Countries with a history of religious antipathy towards alcohol consumption (England, Ireland, USA) see more alcohol abuse.
This isn’t very surprising. The exotification of taboo behavior and the associated guilt cycle of indulgence tend to encourage ‘binge and purge’ behavior, rather than moderation.
The use of introducing limited, supervised alcohol consumption at a young age is that by the time the kids start encountering peer pressure to drink, alcohol has lost its novelty and they have established patterns of responsible consumption.
I realize this is all largely ignoring legal concerns, which is really a much larger discussion. I think it is more useful to us as a society to figure out what behavior we want to see practiced, and then decide what sorts of laws encourage that behavior, than to start with a fairly arbitrary law and try to figure out how to get people to conform to it. The current laws (e.g. the highest drinking age in the world) are not working very well for us.
The topic is totally different, but I think Larry Lessig’s TED talk on copyright adds a lot to his discussion. (If you haven’t seen it, its definitely worth your time: http://www.ted.com/talks/larry_lessig_says_the_law_is_strangling_creativity.html ) I won’t try to recreate his arguments here, but the part that is relevant is that its extremely corrosive to society to have laws that are at odds with our cultural values. In his discussion, the issue is that kids are trying to interface with their culture in creative ways, using copyrighted content. Their behavior, which should be encouraged, is instead labeled piracy. So they grow up with the belief that their recreational activity is criminal and that laws are stifling and obtuse. (Which, sadly, is accurate.) This disrespect for law will tend to undermine the the social contract that allows us to function as a society. The solution is not stricter enforcement of existing laws.
I disagree that making a substance illegal entices people to use it more. This is the argument to legalize illicit drugs. Laws did not precede alcohol abuse. Fostering creativity is a tad different than encouraging the use of alcohol. I wouldn’t place a high value on the use of alcohol, even if it was consumed in moderation. John, I am pretty sure we won’t come to an agreement on this issue 🙂
Just wanted to start off by saying that I think this is a GREAT site for mothers like me. It’s refreshing to hear that other mothers share in the same experiences as me. I think underage drinking is such a sensitive subject but one that we need to take seriously. I think it’s important to talk to your kids about alcohol use and as mothers all we can do is guide them in the right direction and have them make smart choices when we aren’t around to supervise. As a working mother, I know it’s important to share with each other different places to take the kids and ways to save money (because they can be very expensive.) I’ve recently found that K-Mart is doing a big promotion every Saturday afternoon. I think they are usually from 12-4. I took my kids one Saturday and they got the chance to meet Iron Man (my son really loved that). I saw advertised that this Saturday they are going to have a shopping spree sweepstakes. The winner gets 60 seconds to grab as much stuff as they can! I don’t know about you but I could use a shopping spree right about now. Hope this is helpful. I hear about these things all the time so I will be sure to keep updating you on anything else that I hear.
I love how hard John is trying to shift the focus of this topic to a more logical and utilitarian outlook on alcohol consumption and your thick-headed responses imply a belief that you can control your children and their environment at all times.
What John is trying to convey is that you will not be able to supervise your children at all times and your children will be tempted by alcohol at some point in their lives.
The only thing you can actually control is the level of this temptation, by allowing them to sample wine at dinner, you are effectively removing the stigma and taboo surrounding alcohol, satisfying their curiosity and reducing the temptation. So that when the time comes, your children will know the effects of alcohol, having experienced them to some small extent and they will not be quite as susceptible to peer pressure to try something new and exciting.
Cristian, thanks for coming by and commenting. I am pretty sure your suggestion is not the only way to teach children to resist alcohol abuse. It may be an effective way for some. Other approaches cannot be considered being “thick-headed”.
Parenting is never just about one issue. When I don’t allow children to drink at home, I am also teaching them how to resist temptation and peer pressure about all other temptations in life. If the way to satisfy their curiosity is to expose them to it, would I expose them to other temptations they will face as well? It doesn’t follow.
In my profession I have seen the effects of underage drinking far too often and believe that with the teenage invisibility mentality allowing excessive drinking is not a good idea.
Auto accidents are the leading cause of death among teenagers and drunk driving is a large contributor to the thousands of teenage deaths. Weather or not a parent allows their own child to drink in their presence is honestly the parents decision – what we truly need is increased education on this growing problem.
Teenagers need to be shown the harsh realities of not only a DUI, but a drunk driving accident- and all of the horrible consequences they can face if they choose to drive under the influence.
They should not only be taught not to drive intoxicated, however, they should also be given the sense to not get in the car of someone who has been drinking particularly since passengers often fare worse in these types of incidents than the drivers.
Another relevant problem that this blog may want to touch on is the distracted driving and texting while driving epidemic that has sprung up in recent years. Teens and adults alike are now guilty of this dangerous behvavior that has actually been shown in recent studies to affect driving worse that drinking. Check out this article for more information on research
http://www.plg-pllc.com/resources/articles/adults-more-guilty-of-texting-while-driving/
For this growing problem there is a program I started roughly a year and a half ago called Teens Against Distracted Driving- it may help you talk to your kids about safer driving. http://www.teensagainstdistracteddriving.com
You don’t have to use so many big words in order to desecribe to teens that drinking before the age of 21 is bad in both your eyes and the eyes of the law. I am a teen myself and I have watched many of my good friends do stupid acts becuase they were under the influence of alcohol or worse. Parents need to not worry about what their childrens’ friends think about them. Don’t be the cool parent. Be the parent that other parents wish they were when their child gets into an accident or gets locked up. Take care of how much alcohol you have in the house. Be aware of what your child is doing. Make commitments to yourself and your children and stay alert. Thank you 🙂
I think it is naive and just as dangerous to NOT deal with the subject while kids are still home. Sending them off to college curious and inexperienced is far worse than a beer or two at home. What kills me is the same people who pontificate from on high, drank in High School themselves.
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