Adventures in Parenting

How does a company motivate its employees to work harder? They usually offer incentives or bonuses.

In the same way, our kids can be motivated by incentives when we want them to achieve a certain behavior.

Some parents do not believe in using rewards. Doesn’t it make your children become dependent on working only when they are rewarded? Shouldn’t they have an intrinsic desire to do the right thing?

If we as adults, as “mature” as we are, need a little “incentive” from our boss to work a little harder, I think it is reasonable that our children, supposedly less mature then we are, should be offered some reward as they learn proper work habits.

How should we go about offering rewards?

There are all kinds of possibilities you can do, from earning points to getting stickers. Depending on the age of your children, you will have to adjust accordingly. Here are a few principles to go by:

1. Sit down with the kids and come up with the rules and rewards together. When my daughter wanted a certain toy, we sat down and figured out a fair way for her to earn that toy. It takes the pressure off of you to come up with something the kids will think is fair.

My children and I will put all the rules on a piece of paper together. We get creative with the chart. They like to decorate it and make it into different shapes. So instead of a rectangle piece of paper with rows and columns, our charts are roads, or a picture of an ice cream sundae where you add toppings, or a jungle where you add animals. It doesn’t even have to be a chart. It can be beans in a jar, or stacking Lego pieces, or adding pieces to a puzzle. Hey, whatever works! The more interesting the better.

2. The time frame to earn a prize should be short-term. I found that any system that goes more than 2 weeks before a reward could be earned loses its effectiveness at any age. The younger the child, the shorter the term. If a behavior has been particularly hard to master, give a daily small reward for small gains. Then stretch it to 2 or 3 days, then a week.

3. Don’t be afraid to quit the system if its not working out. Once I had a system where my daughter would color in a brick on the road for every 20 minutes of piano practice. It worked great. Another time we did the road again for cleaning her room. For some reason it just didn’t motivate her to clean her room. She went for days without coloring in a brick. Her interest in the prize diminished. We gave up that plan midway, and tried something to get her to clean her room.

4 . Rewards do not have to be material. My kids can earn a trip to the zoo, or a night sleeping on the floor in mom’s room. Use family activities as reward as much as possible so you can kill two birds with one stone.

5. Reward systems should be instituted for teens. We often think of taking away privileges when a teenager breaks a rule. But there should also be positive motivation as well. Although money is a good motivator for teenagers, I use it only occasionally. Their rewards can be staying out later, or going to a movie with a friend. Figuring out a system together is especially important in the teen years. They will not like a system imposed on them.

6. The incentive program does not have to be continuous. After the 2 weeks are over, it’s over. If the prize wasn’t earned, that means the behavior has not been learned. It’s not a punishment that they didn’t earn it. But do try another method so the behavior you want them to learn can be more effectively learned.

7. The idea of a reward system is that the kids will be self-motivated. So do not nag them about it. Do not get upset, do not yell at them. The reward idea is to replace all that. Remind them simply by asking nicely, “Will you be able to get a sticker on the chart today?”

I am not at all an organized person. Some things I’ve tried and find that I can’t keep up with monitoring the systems. So I try to make it simple, short term, and keep it positive. If I get bogged down by it, then it doesn’t work anymore. So make sure it is not too much trouble that you can’t keep it up.

Remember keeping a well-run system is not the point. Be sure to evaluate if it is achieving your desired results.

Do you have any ideas that you’ve found to work?